Awful Interview: Justin Lawrence-Daugherty

2 Oct


 No, this isn’t a sad panda. It’s Justin Lawrence-Daugherty disguised as one! Tricked ya! Justin is going to be reading at Vouched and Midwestern Gothic Presents on October 11th at the Highland Ballroom. He probably won’t be disguised as a sad panda. In preparation for that event he agreed to do an Awful Interview. The following banter was the result.

So Justin, you recently moved to Atlanta from Omaha, Nebraska. All I really know of Nebraska are these two things:
1. Bruce Springsteen wrote a really stellar album and named it after the state.
2. I had the second-best falafel I’ve ever had in Omaha in the summer of 2007.
What do you think about Bruce Springsteen? HAVE YOU BEEN TO THAT FALAFEL PLACE? Do they franchise? How can we get them here?

I don’t know much about Bruce, truthfully. He’s kind of like Paul Bunyan, I guess. Big myth figure. Tight jeans. Does songs and such. My friend Brian wants to be him. Or, handshake with him. Or, drink beer with him. He saw him at an Obama rally once. That album – about Charles Starkweather – I hear is good. Maybe I’ll listen to it right now. Did you get the falafel at AMSTERDAM!? A little place in Dundee next to the Cork and Bottle (a wine place)? It’s great stuff. We should probably get them to open up shop here. They slice that meat right off of the spit thing in front of you and have cool hipsters there always and the workers are nice to you. If that’s the place you’re talking about. If it’s not, you ate at the wrong place.

We do have the country’s largest furniture store in Nebraska. Also, the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase is from Omaha. He’s cool.

Did you ever buy furniture at the country’s largest furniture store? A couch, maybe?

I have. I bought a sea-green, cat-scratch-proof love seat. I bought a bed there and got a free t.v. with it. They have a candy store in there. You can go there and sit on the furniture and lay on the beds with your shoes on and buy fake plants.

Did you ever take a nap there, then? At first I mis-read that last sentence as “buy fake pants.” Luckily I re-read it before asking you what fake pants are.

I did not, though I think it’d be fun to just go and live in there for a couple days, refusing to leave and just sleeping a lot, asking other patrons if they want to jump on beds and water the fake plants. I wish they sold fake pants.

Do you have fake pants?

No, I only have pants that are 100% pants. Could a floor-length skort be considered fake pants? Or just plain tricky? Do such things exist?

Good. Fake pants could be dangerous. If they’re only partially-pants, could they be like almost-supernovas? On the verge of becoming black holes? That’s reasonable, right? Now, we’re getting into semantics. I once owned “skater” jeans that had leg openings with like 30” diameters and anime drawings on the butt. I was in high school. I was very cool.

JNCO’s! Oh man, remember the song Champagne Super Nova? I’ve been nostalgic about that song lately and bringing it up a lot in conversation. Whatever happened to Oasis?!

I have no idea! The less insane brother (I think) performed that song at the Super Bowl this year. It was bad. I think Liam Gallagher is completing his transformation into Doctor Doom. I think he’s the older, insane-r brother, but I’m not sure and I don’t want to research it. But, if he does become Doctor Doom, I’ll be super into it.

I didn’t know Beyoncé was in Oasis.

HA! Oh, it was tacked on. I don’t know exactly why he was there. It was very strange. Is it Noel Gallagher? The younger one? I don’t know. In a fight between Liam Gallagher and Liam Neeson, who’d win?

Liam Neeson! Have you seen Taken?* He has nothing left to lose!

He has a very particular set of skills. What if they they had asked him to prepare a seven course meal using only 6 ingredients? Could he do that? His only real skill seems to be KICKING EVERYONE’S ASSES.

Liam has plenty of other skills. He could definitely cook you a nice meal. I mean, have you ever seen Love, Actually?** The man has feelings and lady skills! He ends up with Claudia Schiffer!  

Oh. no, I haven’t seen that. He’s able to unleash Krakens, so that’s impressive. I have never seen Love, Actually, actually. Am I missing out? Should I play that on my next date? Will the lady be impressed?

No, I would refrain from that, at least until Christmas. Speaking of Christmas, give me five reasons the reading on the 11th will be better than Christmas.

I’ll wait until Christmas, then.

1. October 11th falls just TWO DAYS after my (and John Lennon’s) birthday, so: PARTY.
2. You won’t have to wear any terrible sweaters
3. Your uncle won’t be there farting and blaming it on the dog
4. It’s the anniversary (1809) of Meriwether Lewis’ death in Natchez Trace, Tennessee, under “mysterious circumstances.” I’m not sure what that’s got to do with it, but it sounds like a good reason.
5.Because it’s in October and October’s the best month because HALLOWEEN and Halloween is way better than Christmas and it’s a good month to make homemade hard cider with a good whiskey like Buffalo Trace and sit outside on a stoop or porch and watch the colored leaves fall and coat the ground and sip and read some great book and just listen to the words.

*Editor’s note: It should be known that Laura Relyea has never seen the film Taken and has no idea what she is talking about.
**Editor’s note: It should be known that Laura Relyea has seen Love, Actually a shameful number of times.

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