Awful Interview: The Return of the Holiday Hangover

3 Jan


It’s the return of the Holiday Hangover! You may recall the event that HydeATL and I threw last year to cope with our post-holiday blues. Well, we’re going to battle with them again. Once again, here is a medley of responses to Holiday-themed Awful Interview questions from some of the evening’s readers. It’s kind of like a casserole, but with more words. The Holiday Hangover will take place at the Highland Ballroom this Saturday, January 5th at 8pm. Hope to see you there!

Where do snowmen go when they die?

Lauren Traetto: I’m pretty sure snowmen live forever in a dormant state until you put a top hat on their heads and they begin to dance around. Or until you pretend that one is a parson who will marry you and your sweetheart, like in the song “Winter Wonderland.” Have you ever looked into the lyrics of that song? The couple actually pretends that a snowman is a specific clergyman from their community and have a two way conversation with it. That’s fucked up. Later they have a delusion that he is a circus clown who the neighborhood kids beat to a pulp.

Julian Modugno: The water cycle.

Tony Jenkins: All the melted snow is used by mixologists in seasonal, period-correct cocktails that will set you back $15 each.

What winter warmer does Santa keep in his flask?

Noah Gardenswartz: The blood of Jewish children.

Tony Jenkins: A single-malt scotch that is at least 18-years-old. Santa is more sophisticated than people give him credit for.

Jayne O’Connor: Peppermint schnapps. He’s not the hard ass you think he is.

What is that cranberry stuff anyway?

Julian Modugno: This seems to be the sort of question better asked to a Christian.

Lauren Traetto: Holiday art.  A delightful sculpture that is at once delicious, nutritious, AND beautiful–all while delivering a biting commentary on emotional manipulation, consumption, and production during the holiday season. But as for the ingredients, it’s quite possibly made out of snowman pulp after the neighborhood kids have gotten to them. Or reindeer hooves.

If you were a character in a classic holiday movie, who would you be? Why?

Noah Gardenswartz: I’d be Tim Allen in The Santa Clause because Tim Allen gets all the pussy.

Laura Straub: Howard Langston, obviously

Who would win in a Christmas-Carol-off: Frank Sinatra or Bing Crosby?

Lauren Traetto: Jon Moskowitz once made a great mashup of Frank Sinatra and Notorious B.I.G. songs.  Anybody with Biggie in his corner wins. No question.

Tony Jenkins: Bing Crosby was great, but I’m not sure I could ever pick against Sinatra, no matter the competition.

Jayne O’Connor: Frank Sinatra is the Chairman of my board.

(*editorial note* Frank Sinatra won unanimously.) 

What’s your most uncomfortable Christmas memory? 

Julian Modugno: Watching all those horny hens peck at the corpses of Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby.

Tony Jenkins: Christmas 2012 was uncomfortable as hell, since I had ear surgery three days before. Nothing like singing “Here Comes Santa Claus” as blood drips out of your ear and down your neck.

When Santa was in trouble Rudolph used his nose to guide Santa’s sled. Which of your attributes would be helpful if Santa was in trouble?

Jayne O’Connor: I have a pretty nice set of headlights myself.

Noah Gardenswartz: I’m usually high, and could eat whatever milk and cookies he doesn’t want.

Julian Modugno: Whichever trait of mine Santa trusted, I can assure you it would lead to his eventual downfall.

Explain the game of Dreidel in 200 words or less.

Tony Jenkins: You spin the Dreidel really hard and whoever it lands on has to take off their clothes. La’ Heim!! Wait. I’m wrong. It’s actually “whomever.”

Jayne O’Connor: You spin it and win chocolate gold!

Name three additional uses for fruit cake. 

Lauren Traetto: 1. Ballast 2. Jack stand 3. Castaway-style imaginary friend

Julian Modugno: 1. thing that takes up space in your fridge to make it more efficient. 2. easy punchline on a three-camera sitcom 3. homophobic slur

Noah Gardenswartz: 1. Give it to your worst enemy. 2.To give your neighbor’s dog diarrhea. 3. Throw it in the middle of the street and surround it by caution tape and make it a residential dada art exhibit.

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