Awful Interview: Holiday Hangover Style

4 Jan

Rather than do a customary Awful Interview for the Holiday Hangover this Friday, January 6th at the Star Bar here in Atlanta, I thought it would be fun to share a medley of responses to Holiday-themed Awful Interview questions from some of the evening’s readers. It’s kind of like a casserole, but with more words.

What is your least favorite Christmas Carol? Why?

Johnny Carroll:  It’s not really a Christmas Carol, but every time I hear the O’Jay’s cover of “Love Train” it makes me think of that annoying Gap commercial they aired a few years back. It’s fucking terrible. Side note: Tommy Lee actually covered “Love Train” for the Final Destination 3 Soundtrack. It’s also terrible. I’m not sure which one I hate more. I just listened to both versions. At least in the Gap commercial there’s a cute androgynous red head.

Jayne O’Connor: Little Drummer Boy. Worst Christmas Carol AND most boring claymation special ever. What the shit is that even about? I mean. I know what it is about but I just don’t care.

What kind of winter warmer do you think Santa keeps in his flask?

Matt DeBenedictis: I believe Santa is a coke fiend, and here’s why: Look at him. Look at the image and idea of the jolly man. So here’s this fat sack living in the cold, surrounded by his wife and a bunch of little people who as far as we can tell live to work with him. It’s like he enslaved the Ewoks, shaved them, and put them on a production line. His life is that of a crazy mountain man, until he has to start looking at kid’s good vs. bad vs. has money or doesn’t lists. So he has to all of a sudden slither out of his comfy chair and put the bucket of hot pockets down and perform huge amounts of work to get one of the most magical stories to happen every year, all around the world. Yeah, he’s doing blow the entire time, running up on roofs and breaking into houses.

Least favorite Christmas food staple?

Ben Spivey:  I usually eat out or tuna or crackers year round.

Jayne O’Connor: Christmas staples in my family are things like White Castles and caviar (at the same table). I’m always happy.

If you were a character in a classic Christmas movie, who would you be? Why?

Davy Minor: Sergeant Al Powell from Die Hard. He’s an American hero.

Johnny Carroll:  This is a no-brainer. Kevin McCallister. Home Alone was/is fucking awesome. After I watched that movie I couldn’t wait to grow up, get married and live alone. Seriously though, Macaulay Culkin should’ve won an oscar that year. What was interesting about Home Alone was that it had all of the components for a great movie. It was funny, action-packed, suspenseful, John Candy played in a Polka band ((The Kenosha Kickers) and it even included a love story, but here’s where it gets weird. The love story was between Kevin and his mother. It kind of seems like a pre-quel to a Pyscho reboot if you think about it. Maybe after getting left multiple times as a child something just snaps in his head. He kills his whole family, but keeps his mother’s (Catherine O’Hare) corpse around and starts killing women who will leave him alone at home. Holy shit, imagine Macaulay Culkin starring as Norman Bates now. I don’t think he has anything going on anyway. The last movie he was in was filmed entirely with an iphone. I’m not kidding.

Who would win in a reindeer-off: Dasher or Blitzen?

Jayne O’Connor: Dasher

Matt DeBenedictis: Blitzen

Johnny Carroll: Dasher

Ben Spivey: NO.

There are more Christmas characters than Santa, but people often lose sight of that. Who do you feel is the most deprived Christmas character?

Ben Spivey: Cats

Matt DeBenedictis: How the story goes Bob Cratchit and his family were pretty deprived.

Davy Minor: Tim Tebow.

Explain Kwanzaa in 200 words or less.

Jayne O’Connor: I saw a Blues Clues about this once. All I remember is corn and candles. And either Blue or Magenta celebrated it… I think…

Johnny Carroll: Kwanzaa is the black history month of holidays.

Ben Spivey: NO.

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