Awful Interview: Ashley Ford

9 Mar

Ashley Ford is a force to be reckoned with. The only thing that seems to scare her is flooding, but not because of that, you racist. What she wants to do most in life is to be the one to rescue you. She’ll be reading at Vouched Presents on March 26th, so come out and let her perform some CPR on you with her siren voice, or more likely shocking your ass with a defibrillator, knowing her.

Let’s start easy here. Tell us about yourself. Where you grew up. Where you’re at now. Where you want to be in 5 years.

Easy? I’m bringing you into my world now. Nothing is easy here. Anyway, I grew up in the quaint town of Fort Wayne, Indiana. It’s like Stars Hollow if there were more floods and ten more black people all of whom I am directly related.

Now, I live in a basement in Muncie, Indiana that flooded.

In five years, I want to live in a Red Cross shelter because those never flood, they have brand new cots, and someone’s making popcorn for you, like, 24/7.

Oh! I’d also like to still be writing and hopefully getting published and stuff.

Don’t Red Cross shelters normally go towards the flooding?

Only in Louisiana.

Did you lose anything when your basement flooded? Pictures? Papers? Self-respect? My basement flooded once, and it made me hate myself.

I lost my marbles. Lost my voice too after standing in the middle of my carpet puddle screaming “I can’t swim!” for three hours while other’s cleaned up around me. I really can’t swim. I apologize for solidifying any stereotypes concerning agency or shiftlessness.

My mom used to brag that I could swim before I could walk. I guess she had me enrolled in swim lessons when I was 1 or something. I don’t know. I think she was a damn liar. Does your mom lie?

Only when she said I could grow up to be whatever I wanted. I guess most parents lie in that way. Ain’t that some shit? I wanted to grow up to be a Ambulance. I wanted to save lives. My first grade teacher crushed that dream when she laid all of her rudimentary biological bullshit on me. Seriously, it was my dream, Twat! Just let me have it!

It took me a long time to forgive my mother for her deception, but I never forgave the teacher. I still prank call her with sirens.

Triple header to close: if you really could grow up to be anything you wanted, what would it be? If you could tell anything to people coming to see you read, what would it be? If the people coming to see you read could grow up to be anything, what would you want them to be?

When I look into the future I picture myself as older-than-the-flood Eartha Kitt. Al I want is to be doing the splits when I’m ninety and prank calling grade school teachers.

For the people coming to the reading, I just want to say “you’re welcome.” Also, “this will be the night The Pagemaster promised you. “

When my listeners grow up I want them to be Ambulance/Eartha Kitt hybrids. Black dancing woman Transformers. My mother and your mother will be their nemesis: Decepticons.

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