Awful Interview: Aaron Burch

14 Jan

Aaron Burch is on a roll. His first collection of short stories, How to Predict the Weather, recently came out, his lit journal Hobart is about to drop their next issue, and the dude just got engaged. Seriously, like within the past couple days. I’m going to have to buy him a shot of bourbon while he’s in town to read for Vouched Presents tomorrow–something classy like Old Kentucky or Old Crow.

So, first things first, Aaron. Tell me a bit about yourself.

Well, I’m going into the last semester of my MFA, I’m from Tacoma, WA, and when I was growing up I was good at math and science and didn’t like English as much, and now pretty much all I do is read and write (and, well, eat and sleep and drink and sleep some more).

Ha. Yeah. Life of a writer, am I right?

Oh boy, are you. Right as rain, in fact!

Did I hear right you’ve never been to Indy? Are you stoked to visit for the reading next week?

Well, I think I’ve only ever driven through. Actually, I think I stopped once for sushi, and another time to pick someone up from the Megabus stop. Are you trying to tell me Indy has more to offer than bad sushi and Megabus pitstops?

Well, supposedly Whoopi Goldberg does some antiquing every holiday season at some places on the east side. Evidently she has some family in the area or something. Are you a Whoopi fan? I absolutely loved her in Ghost.

Are you kidding? Ghost is classic. Also, she’s on The View now, which is reason #1 why I believe the possibility of ever getting another day job is out of the question. How could I miss The View every morning?

Is Whoopi still on there? I thought she got boosted for strangling that Elizabeth chick. Or was that Rosie? Obviously I don’t watch The View much. It’s on at the same time as Ellen. Have you read Ellen’s wife Portia’s book yet–Unbearable Lightness?

OK. Full disclosure, we’ve exhausted my knowledge of The View. I was in a hotel a week or two ago and it was on and one of the big crowd-pleasing moments was how Whoopi kept coming out, during some cooking segment, and stealing the food. It was HIGHlarious.

I was also unaware of the existence of Portia’s book. I have, however, recently finished James Franco’s book. Seriously.

He’s the dude from Spider Man, right?The one who got all trip nuts because Peter was skeezing on Mary Jane while they were dating or something?

I think so. That sounds right though, then again, I pretty much, just about always agree with the validity of sentences that use “trip nuts” and/or “skeezing.”

That’s actually my best rhetorical device. My artillery, if you will. So now, I got nothing. I guess we’ll go ahead and wrap this up with a final question: do you have anything cool to say to people who will or want to be at the reading this Saturday, or hell, even to the people who might not be convinced to go yet? Do we get to see you without a shirt?

Well. Hm. Is there any other way to wrap this up than to promise either some skeezing and/or nut-tripping?

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