Archive | Awful Interviews RSS feed for this section

Awful Interview: Jayne O’Connor

17 Apr

Jayne Says

Behold, Jayne O’Connor! You may recognize her lovely face from HYDEATL, the organization VouchedATL co-organizes the Holiday Hangover with. She’s a real treat, this one.

Jayne is a mover and a shaker here in Atlanta. She’s constantly in motion – like a shark! She’s in charge of things! For instance: the Music Room’s monthly variety show The Show from Below. Jayne’s first collection of work, When You Meet the Devil Tip Your Hat, will be published by Safety Third Enterprises this year. TONIGHT she will be reading with John Carroll, Gina Myers, Cristen Conger, and Winston Blake Wheeler Ward at the Goatfarm.

So, Jayne… what’s it like to be famous?

People are constantly coming up to me and saying things like,“Hey!!!! You didn’t pay for that!!!”
“My name is Todd. Welcome to Applebee’s. I’ll be your waiter.”
Or, “Didn’t  you vomit in my car the other day?”

I always tell them,”Look, deep down,  I’m just a normal person like some of you. I just want to be treated like everyone else, only slightly better.”

I kid.

Depending on how you look at it I would either be the best famous person or the worst. I fall down all the time. I fell just sitting on the couch watching TV the other day and now I have a black eye. Do you know how much money pictures of celebrities falling go for? I would be a paparazzi goldmine. Plus, my driving makes Amanda Bynes look like Danica Patrick, and I definitely would have some Lindsay Lohan/shaved-head-Britney Spears/Mariah Carey-Total Request Live- type of  meltdown, if I haven’t already just  as a semi-par citizen.

My friend asked me once if I would rather be rich or famous. At the time I chose fame because I had ideas about being influential and making a mark on the world.  After seeing Behind the Music i am terrified of fame, and I figure that even if I was Trump-rich (he’s still rich right?), with my poor fashion sense and low standard of living I could always pass for someone with a normal or poor pay grade. I could avoid all the pitfalls of being incredibly wealthy while still reaping all of the benefits.

And I am also terrified of becoming a meme one day.

Oh! Double question. 1. Which meme already in existence best ‘gets’ you and 2. If you were Trump-rich when he was richest rich, what would you do with all of them fat stacks?

I am going to answer the second question first.
This question sent me into a labyrinth of fantasies. I wish I could say that I would be totally responsible, invest, or at least save it but that is a lie. I would spend some time throwing it in the air and dancing under it, but mostly I would just buy crap. I have a deep seeded love for spending money and a high propensity for decadence.  I wouldn’t buy a lavish house or car (remember- low standard of living) but I would spend weeks or months at a spa. I would pay people to do all of the menial activities I loath, invest heavily in my eccentricities, and probably get into some functional form of animal hoarding. Maybe for a day I would pay a band to follow me around and turn my life into a musical
And a pool. Summers in Atlanta are brutal.

That brings me to the answer to question number one…

Brilliant! What songs would be needed for the band’s repertoire as they follow you around? You know, your life soundtrack? Five songs at least with explanations, plz!

I think they probably would go:

“No No No (Pressin’ The Snooze Again)” To be played while I fight with my alarm in the morning.

“What Yo Got? (Gross Gross)” To be sung while my dog eats a sock, panites, pants, or any number of disgusting and unspeakable objects from the bathroom trash can.

“It Ain’t Fucking Romeo and Juliet” to be played whenever I am around my ambivalent boyfriend. (This is a Dance Number)

“This Again.” To be played at work.

“Ewwww. What Did I Just Touch?” Self explanatory.

“This Again. (Reprize)” To be played as I ride home in traffic.

Obviously “This Again” is the big hit- but “No No No” is the fan favorite.

 All great choices and all have especially confrontational titles. Do you consider yourself confrontational?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY!!!! *pounds chest.

Yeah, I probably am. Unlike nineteen year old Jayne, I am not proud of it.

Why not?

Well, I think that a lot of the time it makes people look bad. Plus fighting feels bad and bad things can  happen. You never know who you are dealing with and how quickly things can go crazy.

At a bar in my younger years someone tried to put a cigarette out in my eye after I confronted him about his lewd hand/mouth gesture. True Story.

What did you do? Do you flash back to that moment every time you smoke a cigarette?

I repulsed him with my superhuman jumping and screaming skills and knocked his hand away. Then I told some sexest bouncer who did nothing.
I don’t really think about it that much. If anything flashes back to that moment it is probably when I see that lewd gesture.

What will you do if someone makes that lewd gesture at you during the reading on the 17th?

I know quite a few lewd gestures myself. If that doesn’t work I’m a big proponent of public shaming.

Tags:

Awful Interview: John Carroll

16 Apr

John Carroll

John Carroll made a mistake. He has twice awfully interviewed me at PURGE to help promote both the launch of VouchedATL and our first birthday party. That wasn’t his mistake, it was nice of him. His mistake was the manner of which he Awfully Interviewed me. I mean, he really ‘gave me a dose of my own medicine’ so to speak. I’ve been waiting for payback ever since.

Slow Burn is John’s first chapbook, being released by our pals at Safety Third Enterprises in the upcoming weeks. Prior to that you could read John’s work at the 500, PURGE, and elsewhere.

To celebrate the release of Slow Burn, John will be reading at the next Vouched Presents on April 17th. You know what that means? It means today is the day for retribution.

What are you trying to prove?

I don’t know? 9/11 was an inside job. The Illuminati is real. Aliens exists. Social media will be the downfall of civilization. You know, just the regular macho stuff. I guess I do know.

Do I come across as someone who has something to prove(other than bald is beautiful and all the other things I just listed)?

Kind of. You seem like one of those people who has a vendetta. You know, like Guy Fawkes. HOLY SHIT- John Carroll are you Anonymous?!

Shit. I wish. I like the idea of Anonymous, not so much for their ability to fuck shit up, which I think is pretty rad, but because they remind me of Borg from Star Trek. Kind of like Legion in the Bible. I guess I just like the idea of groups that refer to themselves as one, but then again the U.S. Army does that too. Nevermind.

Aren’t you a patriot? Have some pride! I heard you like baseball, right? Don’t you like pie? Happiness? Will Smith Movies?

I like Thomas Jefferson a lot. He made his own Bible and brought French Fries to America. I can only hope to accomplish that much. I really only liked baseball when Michael Jordan was playing. Did you know that Will Smith was supposed to play Neo in The Matrix, but turned it down? I’m not sure how I feel about that. But yeah, Will Smith is solid.

Didn’t you burn a Bible once? Was that your attempt to be Jeffersonian? How did that go for you?

You know what’s probably more offensive to most people? I burned a Beatles record once as well. I dated a girl who really liked the Beatles a few months later. She told me I was stupid for doing it. We went on vacation to Virginia and she wouldn’t take me to Monticello. We broke up when we got home.

WOW you really brought that one full circle — it was like watching an episode of Seinfeld. Have you ever seen that show?

Seinfeld is probably appreciated for the wrong reasons. Larry David induces panic attacks in my life. I wouldn’t say that I’m a fan of Jerry Seinfeld, but I read his book, Seinlanguage in 5th grade. I asked my parents if I could have a Bar Mitzvah after reading it. They made me accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour instead.

 Was that a pretty formative moment in your life? What do you think the repercussions were?

I’d like to act like it wasn’t, but the older I get the more I feel the need to revert back to adolescent tendencies. You know, ride a bike, jump on beds, make fun of girls that I’d like to have sexual intercourse with. Normal ten year old boy stuff.

Have you found yourself purchasing a lot of footed pajamas as of late?

Unfortunately, they don’t have them in my size. Hot Topic does sell dinosaur and Hello Kitty hoodies though. I need to stop by there to pick up the new Marilyn Manson album, so you never know.

How does Marilyn Manson always manage to date such hotties?

I think it’s pretty clear Laura. If you bang MM you’re guaranteed at least B-movie stardom.

Good point. You forgot to mention how romantic he is though. I mean, look at him. Marilyn Manson OOZES romance. What’s your favorite 90’s teen flick?

Drop Dead Gorgeous. Two words: Rolling Crucifix.

That makes a lot of sense. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Denise Richards?

Only in the dark.

Oh wow. So. …why should people come and see you read on the 17th?

The stories that I will be reading were actually inspired by Denise Richards’ outstanding performance in the 1998 erotica thriller Wild Things. I believe that I’m the first writer to ever incorporate her influence into anything literary, outside of tabloid magazines.

Tags: , ,

Awful Interview: Cristen Conger

11 Apr

Cristen Conger

To the left you will see the beautiful and accomplished woman known as Cristen Conger. You can tell from this picture that she is full of joy and a very talented baker (I am actually not certain of the later of these two facts, but am using context clues i.e: the super fancy standing mixer she’s embracing.)

Cristen is impressive. Not only is she the the co-host of podcast Stuff Mom Never Told You and the hostess of the YouTube series of the same name, she’s also a staff writer for HowStuffWorks.com. Outside of knowing lots of things, her work has been featured in Jezebel, Bitch, MSNBC, and other places. In short: Cristen Conger is an authority figure on your life! Yes, yours!

Cristen, you’re the brains behind “Stuff Mom Never Told You.” So, I have to ask… Why didn’t she tell me?

Mom is a tad passive aggressive and was relying on me to tell you because she prefers to make her communication as indirect as possible — as in via her daughter, through a podcast, into iTunes and into your not-so-delicate ears. And mom never actually told me that; I had to infer it from years of her talking about how much she wished she had a daughter who co-hosted a podcast.

It’s just hard to figure out what her prerogative is here, you know? I mean… hasn’t she seen the movie Psycho? Mommie Dearest? or more recently Mother?

I know, right? Let’s just say that you won’t find any wire hangers in my closet.

What is in your closet?

Skeletons — and lots of them!

Kidding, kidding. I keep those under my bed, of course. Seriously, why would anyone keep skeletons in his or her closet rather than tucked away under a box spring or couch? Otherwise, every time I got dressed in the morning I’d have to look in at said skeletons, which would really screw the pooch on the whole repressive function of those skeletons.

I do, however, have a treasure box of sorts in my closet containing all of my childhood and teenage diaries, commemorative issues of People magazine from Princess Diana’s funeral (for the pics of Prince William, natch) and rolls of undeveloped film that I should probably get around to developing sometime before it’s too late.

It’s creepy to imagine catacombs under your bed, Cristen. Although – I’ll admit, I wouldn’t want skeletons popping out at me at every wardrobe change, especially on those days where nothing fits right and I end up changing seven times.
Do you read a lot of Edgar Allen Poe, then?

At the risk of sounding like a literary hillbilly, I don’t. I did, however, get an A on my high school paper on “A Cask of Amontillado.”

Your question also reminds me of an NPR story I heard about someone who mysteriously visits Poe’s grave in Baltimore every year on his birthday and leaves gifts of cognac and whatnot. Now, call me an alcoholic, but doesn’t that sound like a terrible waste of perfectly good liquor? On second thought, please don’t call me an alcoholic.

No, I totally agree that is a waste of liquor. Was Poe even known for his drinking? I mean — it wouldn’t phase me to leave a bottle of rum or whiskey at Hemingway’s place of eternal rest. But Poe?

If I were to leave a gift for Poe, it would be a raven pinata filled with candy that I would burst upon reaching the grave so that I could take the candy home and eat it. I’m as thrifty with candy as I am with cognac.

Or I might just leave behind that “Cask of Amontillado” high school paper to create a buzz among other visitors who’d be impressed with my piercing literary analysis. “Poe who?! That Conger girl could write circles around that guy,” they might tweet, or Facebook status update, or caption on a Pinterest pin of picture of the decapitated raven pinata they happened upon at Poe’s tombstone.

Maybe I should ditch the podcast and go into viral marketing…

Maybe you should ditch the podcast and go on a year-long pilgrimage to literary legend’s gravesites to upstage them after they’ve departed. What do you think of that? Who else would you hit up aside from Poe?

I think that you might’ve just outlined my path to instant notoriety, so thank you. Writing one’s way to recognition can be extremely time-consuming, and this is likely a much quicker way to get my name in the history books. Or at least in the books of People Banned From Graveyards that graveyard bouncers keep on hand.

Next up, I’d probably hit up the Bronte sisters resting places since they’ve held such a Corleone-esque monopoly on the whole “women writer” thing. Or Mario Puzo’s grave where I’d leave behind a copy of my Godfather-fan-fic-with-a-female-twist, “The Godmother.” Gender equality, am I right?

That’s a brilliant idea! Do you write a lot of fan fiction? How often does it star Justin Bieber? Be honest.

Honestly, I’ve only ever tried my hand at “slash fiction” starring, you guessed it, Justin Bieber, and myself. Except in “50 Shades of Bieber,” I played the role of the dom because all the creative license in the world cannot make J. Biebs wielding a cat-o-nine-tails anything less than preposterous. Otherwise, I feel like he’d grab the whip and just start doing some hip hop dance routine with it and ruin the mood.

Could you whip up an excerpt of yourself and Biebs for us in the Godmother real quick? You know, to quench curious minds?

“Whip up,” eh? Nice play on words there.

Due to a nasty litigation hate triangle I’m embroiled in  with the Mario Puzo estate and Usher Enterprises, I can’t offer any direct excerpts from “The Godmother Part 1: An Offer Justin Bieber Can’t Refuse” in which an unassuming young pop star abandons fame to join the ranks of a different kind of mafia (wink, wink). But I can tell you that instead of waking of up next to a horse head, young Bieber rips back the sheets to find a gimp mask that he then struggles to put on, as his iconic floppy hair keeps getting stuck in the zippers.

That sounds so picturesque. Who do you hope to sell the film rights to?

While I don’t want to jump the gun, so to speak, I’m pretty sure that Sofia Coppola is going to jump on the project ASAP since it’s pretty much the perfect opportunity to salvage her reputation as ruining the entire ‘Godfather’ film franchise. And I hear she’s quite a Bieleber.

Not making any promises but… what would you do if the Biebs himself attended your reading on the 17th?

I’d ask him if he was looking to hire any feminist-minded women with a flare for erotic fan fiction for his entourage. Or for Usher’s phone number.

Tags:

Awful Interview: Gina Myers (redux)

9 Apr

Gina Myers

Gina Myers has a lot to think about. Some chief concerns: How did all of these pencils get in the grass? What is she trying to say? How did Louisville beat Michigan in the NCAA Championship last night? What constitutes a time travel love story? Does Bill and Ted Count?

Gina is the author of False Spring and A Model Year. Her forthcoming collection, Hold It Down (Coconut Books) will be released next Wednesday at the next Vouched Presents at the Goatfarm.

So what are your top five favorite time travel love stories?

Oh man, you hit me with a tough one right off the back! I have a lot of rules about what should and should not fall into this genre: for example, in Twin Peaks, Dale travels 25 years into the future to meet Laura Palmer, but the love story that he is involved with, with Annie, takes place in the “present” of the show–so that can’t really be a time travel love story; can it? In this year’s Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode, there was a storyline where Homer blew it with Marge in high school and had to travel repeatedly to future to try to win her. There are actually a few other Treehouse of Horror episodes that deal with time travel–like when Homer gets his hand stuck in a toaster and the toaster later becomes a time machine, or when they outlaw guns and Professor Frink gives Homer a time machine to travel back to warn everyone about the horrible future that will occur if they ban guns, but neither of these really involve love, unless we’re talking about the love of humanity and toast and guns. And then there’s the time that Homer transcends dimensions, and he finds an erotic bakery, that’s like love. I’ve managed to avoid answering the question thus far–

When you put it like that, Homer Simpson may be the ultimate romantic time-travel protagonist. He’s like a modern-day Odysseus of sorts! Do you view him as a tragic figure?

I am sure here that you intentionally compared him to Odysseus because he plays Odysseus in the episode where they re-enact classic tales. While passing through the river Styx, skeletons on the shore are rocking out to Styx’s “Lady,” and Homer exclaims, “Oh, this truly is hell!” He does share certain qualities of other tragic heroes–for example, it is usually his own flaws that cause his problems, but he frequently is able to dodge truly tragic outcomes. Things usually work out for him, or at the very least return to the status quo.

Life is really an uphill battle for Homer Simpson. Do you have a favorite episode of the Simpsons? I think mine may be the Lord of the Flies episode, though it’s hard to say for certain — there are so many episodes.

It’s funny, Molly Brodak asked me about this recently too, and at the time I answered “The Last Temptation of Krust,” which is from season nine, and is where Krusty becomes a George Carlin-esque standup comedian but eventually sells out and advertises for the Canyonero, a sports utility vehicle. But it really is hard to pick just one because there are so many episodes, but more than that there are so many great moments, including a lot of lit references and jokes. I can hear Homer now: “Leaves of Grass, my ass!”

Do you love the Simpsons so much that you wish you could travel back in time just to watch it with fresh eyes and fall in love all over again…?

Ha! My dream time travel love story! Recently I rewatched seasons one and two for the first time since they originally aired. I was a little worried–my memories of those seasons seemed a little embarrassing, but they were much better than I remembered! It was a little like time travel I suppose. I don’t think I would want to be ten again, though, nor would I want to be my present age somehow back in 1990. But if I did travel back, then maybe I could have watched Twin Peaks as it originally aired! Man, despite Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, 1989/1990 had some pretty awesome things going on. If I were able to time travel, I would remember to buy some bootleg Simpsons t-shirts from the Giant Public Market in Saginaw because I would love to wear those still today.

 You keep bringing up Twin Peaks, which leads me to think have a tendency to watch television shows which have a recurring theme of donuts. Is this the case? Is this an illuminati conspiracy?

I do like TV shows that feature donuts! And I like to eat donuts. And I like J Dilla’s album Donuts. And I once did an art project in high school where I painted a series of donuts. I don’t think it is an illuminati conspiracy though, or if it is, I have yet to reap any benefits it. It seems like a lot of people like donuts, which makes me wonder just how large and far-reaching this illuminati is….

Vouched: We need to get to the bottom of this. Let’s start with the Krispy Kreme on Ponce – it may be Illuminati headquarters. My mind is reeling with questions so I’m just going to list them.
• What percent of the attendees of the reading on April 17th will be members of the illuminati?
• How many donuts could you consume throughout a day?
• When you read, will be sneaking in Illuminati trigger words? Dropping hints to audience members ‘in the know’?
• Would you travel through time for love? How would you go about it?

Thirty-three percent of the audience will be members of the illuminati. If I challenged myself to see how many donuts I could eat in a single day, I’d say that number would be 33. Did you know 33 is an important number in the illuminati? All of my poems are exactly 33 words long. When the New World Order is in place, we won’t need to travel through time for love. The New World Order is Love.

Tags: , ,

Awful Interview: Winston Ward

3 Apr

Winston Ward

To our left you will see Winston Blake Wheeler Ward, or Winston Ward, or WWI. You know the movie 300? Winston wasn’t in it or anything but he started a website called the Five Hundred - a monthly collection of themed flash fictions.  It’s hard to say how Winston would have fared in the Battle of Thermopylae.

Winston will be reading at the next Vouched Presents on Wednesday, April 17th.

Have you ever considered having a son and giving him your name? I only ask because then he could go by WWII.

There’s an idea. Alright, the line for potential mothers of said child forms to the left.

Why the left?

I’m an ultra-liberal southpaw. Where else would it start?

Whoa no way. Me too! Seriously. How do you feel being left-handed has shaped your life? Also- why are left-handed scissors so damned uncomfortable?

I didn’t know that about you. That’s interesting. It kind of gives me a sense of kinship, learning that.

There’s little doubt in my mind that being told as a child that left-handed people are typically more right-brain dominant (and therefore often more creative) has influenced my need to tell stories. I’ve always seen myself as the ‘creative type’. Would it have been the same were I born a righty? Who can know?

Oh, and I don’t believe I’ve ever used left handed scissors. They’re uncomfortable, you say? That’s a shame.

 As a fellow left-handed creative, aren’t you a little surprised none of us southpaws have taken the time to invent a more comfortable scissor for ourselves? Which leads me to my next question — what are you waiting for?

Damn. I was hoping I’d never get asked that question. I wish I could tell you, Laura. I wish I knew. I ask myself the same question all the time and I can never find an answer to it. Why aren’t I there yet? Why am I not achieving my full potential? What the fuck is holding me back? I can tell you what I do know – the answer isn’t on the bottom of any bottles. At least not so far.

Or did you mean that question more literally? If that’s the case, I guess I’m waiting for my girlfriend to get out of school so we can go eat. Mmmm…El Myr.

Nice. Describe El Myr for me.

The throat tattoo of the Atlanta restaurant community.

It’s interesting you bring that up. I try not to judge people based on their body modifications, but man oh man people with throat/neck tattoos are tough! Eyebrow tattoos are pretty intense too. What is the most intense tattoo you have ever seen?

Christy Parry got a bunch of line work done to the bottom of her feet. That’s pretty goddamn tough if you ask me. Also, anyone who gets eyeliner tattooed on has iron cojones, in my opinion.

Are you implying Christy Parry is a man?

By no means! Just a totally bad ass chick. Wait, is ‘chick’ okay to say? How about, ‘Just a totally bad ass person’ instead?

Sure, that works! Tell me about the reading on the 17th. Tell me about how excited you are.

I’m pretty dang excited. I’m going to read two short pieces. One from my catalogue and one I’m writing specifically for the event. It is always so exciting when any literary event takes place in the city. I love it here and I couldn’t ask for a better community of like-minded individuals. Obviously, we have a lot of people to thank for that, but you yourself are playing no small part. So thank you for that and for this opportunity.

Okay, now tell me a joke.

Um. How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, how many?

Change it!? Have you lost your fucking mind!? It’s perfect how it is! I’m not changing ANYTHING! Go to Hell!

Tags: , ,

Awful Interview: David Courtright

12 Mar
David Courtight

photo by Katherine Aul

This is the silhouette of David Courtright. Notice its composition – arms stretched upward. The shadow-puppet of a right hand:  a dog holding glasses in its mouth. The left arm reaches for something out of the frame, so mysterious. His head, ever-so-slightly angled suggests cheekiness — but we can’t be too sure. This silhouette belongs to a man and that man authored a chapbook called Animal Bodies and that chapbook will be released on Thursday, March 14th at Youngblood Gallery and Boutique. Unfortunately David Courtright’s silhouette is not currently taking interviews. Instead, here’s an interview with David Courtight himself.

So, David- what’s your totem animal? Why?

As a kid I was obsessed with dolphins. I was a pretty aquatic child, and the idea of living a life making dolphin noises and doing acrobatic air flips seemed pretty appealing. Lately I think it’s some kind of bird. I have this wood stamp from India with an ornate rooster design. It’s top contender for tattoo if I ever get one.

I was totally a dolphin kid too! Remember Animorphs? Did you ever read those?

Shit yeah. Totally obsessed. And the poor dork kid who got turned into an eagle forever? I feel like that was the Harry Potter of our generation. But stuff like that I really loved as a kid — the idea of being able to change into another animal, or have powers. I loved X-Men. Wow I’m just realizing the name of my chapbook! I totally ripped off Animorphs!

Holy shit, what a revelation. I was totally obsessed with X-Men as well. Gambit was such a dreamboat! What’s your superpower?

God, Rogue had great hair. I was into teleportation as a kid, and flying. But also any power that would allow me vast sums of money, i.e. telling the future and playing the lottery.

You’re a tricky one! The thought of teleportation has always made me kind of nervous. Like- what if something goes wrong, and you weren’t concentrating hard enough and then *poof* your right arm is lost in some alternate dimension, floating in space. You know what I mean?

No, not at all. Though there was that one episode of Star Trek: Voyager where Neelix and Tuvok were beamed back together with this foreign plant that scrambled the transporters and they became “Tuvix.” I’m nerding out pretty hard right now. I just think about how much time it takes to get from one place to another, and how much more productive I would be if I never had to drive anywhere, how much more sleep I would get, etc. But again, getting back to the “how do I make myself a billionaire off my powers,” not sure if teleporting would be the most lucrative.

What superpower do you feel would yield the highest returns? Knowing the future?

Probably the ability to go back in time and befriend/seduce Oprah. You really can’t do better than that. She’s loaded. I have a mild obsession with Oprah. And by mild I mean all-consuming. But yeah, if you’d stuck with her all those years, you know you’d be well taken-care of. Highest yielding superpower: being Oprah’s favorite thing ever.

Who do you think is more obsessed with Oprah- you or Oprah?

C) Dr. Phil. You can tell that look in his eyes. There is a fury that goes beyond all psychological knowledge, though it may be difficult to discern through the medium of television. I’ve heard when you’re in the studio audience the intensity is palpable. Many people lose bladder control. Depends is a big sponsor of Dr. Phil’s show, and many think its just his demographic. No no no no no. So the order of Oprah obsession goes 1. Dr. Phil. 2. Me. 3. Oprah herself.

Is it awful that I forgot about Dr. Phil entirely? Have you ever thought about reaching out to Oprah about your written work? The ol’ ‘HEY OPRAH, LOOK AT THIS AWESOME CHAPBOOK I WROTE.’…?

Oprah LOVES this ChaaaAAAAaapHe’s pretty forgettable. Yeah, I’ve approached her about doing it in the book club. She said since we’re so close it would be like nepotistic or something. I’m working on a new book of poems about my journey as a 30-something white woman traveling the world finding myself. I think she won’t be able to resist that. That was a weird time in my life, but I feel like it deserves its day in the sun. You know? Vouched, have you had your 30-something white woman existential crisis? It’s valuable. It’s voucheduable.

I haven’t quite gotten there but MAN I am totally looking forward to it. It will be such a thrill completely abandon my already completely full life to start LIVING, you know, like in Eat, Pray, Love & Under the Tuscan Sun. Are you more of a Julia Roberts or a Diane Lane?

Well it’s funny you should mention that, because I actually starred in the film version of Eat Pray Love. I was living in Delhi at the time and a guy came up to me and said “hey you’re white, do you want to be in a movie with Julia Roberts?” So I was an extra. You can see me sitting on the floor of the ashram in the scene where Julia is a volunteer and the new batch of yogis comes in. Just try and find me! She was contractually not allowed to talk to extras, so I would say we’re BFFs, but we ain’t. And through all of that, and even though I haven’t even seen the Tuscan movie, I’m definitely more of a Diane Lane. Just because.

Diane Lane would totes talk to extras. Say, for instance, you ran into Diane Lane in the ATL a couple of days before the reading at Youngblood on the 14th. How would you tell her about the reading she had to attend? How would she react?

I don’t think Diane Lane can actually read, so this would be like a good opportunity for her to be read to. So I’d say [in a loud voice] “DIANE DO YOU LIKE PO-WEMS?” and she would mouth some nonsense bleeps and bloops and we’d enjoy a nice kombucha on the Beltline. So yeah, I think she’s coming. She’ll ride with OPRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Tags: , ,

Awful Interview: Molly Brodak (Redux)

10 Mar

Molly Brodak

You probably remember Molly Brodak because last time she was Awfully Interviewed we discovered she was not only a Molly Brodak but also the last Unicorn (aka: Amalthea). Molly Brodak is still a revelation, and probably, yes, still the Unicorn. Since we last spoke she has been surrounded by a flurry of words, confectioner’s sugar, sprinkles, and glitter. These experiments resulted in her latest chapbook Essay on Parts of Day (Horseless Press) – a really stunning collection that will cause something to bloom inside you as you read. Molly will be reading at the Animal Bodies Release Party at Youngblood on March 14th.

So Molly, your latest chap is called Essay on Parts of Day. What’s your favorite part of day?

Hhhm, probably the morning is the best-looking part of day. But the part where I sit on the couch with a blanket is the best-feeling part of day.

Which can really be any time of the day, right? Are you a fan of naps? If so- do you prefer couch naps to bed naps?

Couch-blanket time can be anytime, which makes it, like, outside of time. BEYOND time. Naps… naps are hard. Sometimes I feel much worse after taking naps, sometimes better, so it seems like a real gamble. This is how I gamble. With naps. My life is full of danger and excitement.

Casinos would be much more tempting places if they incorporated blanketed couches- don’t you agree?

Yes that would be bad for me. Plus with a buffet nearby always that would be really, really bad for me. They could set up “nap roulette” rooms where you could take your chances with a nap, then eat some buffet, win or lose. I hope no one who is into investing in concept casinos is reading this.

That’s actually Vouched’s exact target audience. Buffets are really intimidating to me. Have you ever been to a Golden Corral?

Have I…ever…Been…to Golden Corral?? The Trough? You are now talking about my favorite restaurant. How could it possibly be intimidating? It’s true that buffets can be kind of stressful in some ways. But I always seem to manage.

Is it called the trough? I hadn’t heard that before! What’s your first go-to at a breakfast buffet? I usually go straight to the Belgian Waffles, when they’re available.

This is a real place.

The Trough

Well I think just my sister and I call it the Trough. I feel like a pig knocking against other pigs in the chute when I go there! Yes Belgian Waffles are a good choice. Pancakes get sort of rubbery if they sit for too long. Sausage gets filmy and resistant. Eggs get glacial and start to feel doomed. The large tub of yogurt giggles when you walk; no one wants it. Bacon is okay with difficulties. Biscuits think of themselves as asteroids. The syrup winds up under a protective sheet of itself.

Wow, that’s really beautiful, Molly. Do you feel that your relationship with your writing is similar to your relationship with your cooking, or are they different beasts entirely?

They are pretty different beasts. I really like writing recipes for baked goods because I like codes and patterns and proportions, so there’s probably some similarity in poetry but I try to not think about that too much because it seems corny. I like to bake because I want to make these weird things exist in the world that don’t exist yet, so probably that is like poems too.

What’s the most innovative thing you’ve ever baked?

My boyfriend Blake is always trying to come up with difficult baking challenges for me, which I love. So the weirdest things I make are usually responses to his challenges. Once he asked me for spherical cookie so I made a mold by wrapping foil around a baseball and filling the mold with dough with a marshmallow baked inside (the marshmallow melts away during baking, leaving a hollow center I injected with frosting). One of my favorite weird cookies is a variation on a tuile cookie where I take really thin batter and “screenprint” it across shapes cut out of foam. They come out incredibly thin, then I stack them with frosting to make a sort of 3-d shape. Last spring I made strawberries this way, maybe this year I’ll make little bananas.

If you were to describe the upcoming reading as a confection- what would it be?

A parfait! Duh! With a LOT of layers so you need a LONG spoon.

Tags: , ,

Awful Interview: Maggie Ginestra

7 Mar
photo by Matt Vrabel

photo by Matt Vrabel

Maggie Ginestra is a recent Atlanta transplant. She’s done a good job adapting to her new habitat with its camellias and balmy, bourboned summers. Her poetry can be found all over the place. For instance – Super Arrow and the Sow’s Ear Poetry Review or in her chapbook Deep in the Safe House. Maggie will be reading at the Animal Bodies Release Party on Thursday, March 14th at Youngblood Boutique!

You just moved to Atlanta about a year ago, right? Are you pleasantly surprised with how A-town holds it down? Disappointed? Confused?

There’s a storm of city-talk we’re all weathering.  Is it always this way?

I’m usually living a few fantasies alongside what’s real, and right now my favorite is that I live where I was born and always have.  The closest I came to this was when I moved to a tiny town that people just don’t move to, so the residents there only knew how to treat me like a local after the initial holding of breath.  I guess I eventually left because it was a tiny town that people just don’t move to.  But no regrets!  It was on the beach, and I made a few life-long friends.

When you ask if I’m pleasantly surprised, disappointed, confused– I have to ask you, since we haven’t met yet, how’d you know I’m always making that face?

Because I can hold little things in my mind better than I can big things, it is easy to love Atlanta.  I know my particular footpath to the farmer’s market in Grant Park on Sunday better than I understand the difficult and/or unconventional paths we are all carving out because “the commute” sucks and public transit is insufficient, for example.

That is the third time someone has mentioned the Grant Park Farmer’s market in the past few days. Does that make it a buzz word? Could you describe the farmer’s market to me? Be as vivid as possible.

The market is on the opposite side of Grant Park from where I live, so it’s a walk around the zoo and then north toward an increasing density of dogs and strollers.  Usually I see Katie Hayes before anyone else. She’s the Market’s prime mover, and she orbits in cowboy boots and a pretty dress, grasping a clipboard but smiling.  Then there are local musicians Billy Mitchell and Emily Kempf, talking about kittens or holding one.  Matt Arnett taps me on the shoulder and introduces me to somebody famous who’s just passing through.  I am worried the Jerusalem artichokes will sell out if I don’t stop talking to all
these nice people.  It’s usually damp because Sundays like rain.  I can’t see all the tents at once because they follow the curve of the walking path, so there’s always the sense that the best vendor is
around the corner, that there’s something new to discover.  The yogurt guy strikes up sardonic conversation while I try to choose between Pumpkin Pie and Tropical Sweet Heat, my two favorite flavors.  I never get both, because I know there’s next week, at least for most of the year.  It must be the buzzword right now because we are smack dab in the middle of 4 market-less months.  It’s insufferable, really.

That is so picturesque! Especially the part with Billy, Emily, and the kittens. Also the artichokes. And the ice cream… okay, the whole thing. What are some other buzz words right now, in your opinion?

So buzzwords are… when spoken, like a button being pressed in some detached laboratory, right? Or a hyperlink to a picture of a naked old man dancing?  Where do they come from!?!?  They make me nervous.  And the Zeitgeist is no fun anymore! We don’t spend any time with our own ideas before we realize everyone else is having them too.  I am worried about this because we all need time with things before sharing them so that each iteration is a little different and make a whole story of existence in a moment, together.  This is different than everyone talking about the farmers market this week, but maybe not. What if people get bored of the farmers market in a few years? That would be so insane!  It’s so the first step to all the right things.

 I think buzzwords and memes are manufactured by the same machine that may or may not resemble a loom. Bad tweets are its byproduct.
Does the future scare you sometimes?

A good ol' fashioned buzzword

A good ol’ fashioned buzzword

No, but I don’t plan to have children.  I’m pretty sure I love the future too well and sort of fly away from the present at inopportune moments.

Oh, and when I fly, literally, in planes, I like to tell myself over and over again that it’s completely insane that I’m suspended in the air–now, in the air, right now, floating, thousands of feet up–until I’m dizzy.  I love it, and it’s not fear at all.  So I’m pretty alright with the future and its fractal of possibilities.  I think
it’s a personality flaw in the survivalist sense.

So if you’re flying over the future, what is the view of next week’s reading like?

From up here, Laura, it just looks like a big bunch of pelicans kicking up phosphorescence in the surf.

Tags: , , ,

Awful Interview: Jamie Allen

29 Jan

Jamie Allen

If you’ve heard me talk about squirrels in the past six months, Jamie Allen is to blame. He’s the founder of the Inman Park Squirrel Census.  Ping-pong is his current game of choice, but if you ask he also has a lot to say about baseball and cricket. Jamie Allen is in the top five most inquisitive people I have ever met. He’s been published in places like the Missouri Review, The Morning News, McSweeney’s, and Salon. You can hear him read on February 7th at the Goatfarm here in Atlanta. It’s going to be splendid.

Jamie, you are much taller than me. What’s the view like up there? How’s the weather?

I’m 6’2”, just like my father. Inside my head, though, I’m shorter. By that I mean, when I think of myself, I think of myself as being somewhere between 5’10” and 6’0”. And when I come across a picture in which I’m standing next to someone who is shorter than me, I’m always struck by how goony I look. Imagine Woody Allen stuck in my body. Fade in on comedy. That’s my life.

Further to this, I’m always impressed with people taller than me for no other reason than they are taller than me. I stand up straighter when near them, as if it might make some difference in our interaction. But here’s the funny thing about that: I simultaneously and fully realize that other people can live their lives without the advantage of excess height, and do quite well with it. You, Vouched, as you have alluded, are not tall. You’re kind of small. But you possess a comfortable confidence in exactly who you are. You draw people to you. I slump when I stand next to you because I want to be closer to what you have to say. So I guess the view and the weather are the same when we’re standing next to each other.

How can you be so sure? How do you know my blue isn’t your yellow?

You mention colors. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but I am a big fan of colors. All colors, I don’t care. I’ve done some research on the subject, and I have found that many people have a favorite color. Isn’t this fascinating? I hypothesize that this ranking of colors starts in school. I think it’s learned behavior. A teacher says, “What’s your favorite color?” and it immediately puts the student on the spot. They don’t even realize they have a choice to not have a favorite color. So they pick something. I discovered this when I realized my children have favorite colors. At first, I laughed at them – how can one have a “favorite” color? But then I realized they were serious. And then I realized my favorite color is either red or brown. Do you have a favorite color?

I do. Two, actually: mustard and blue. Blue can mean a lot of things though. I don’t mean navy, or cadet, or royal, or cerulean or anything. I mean that weird kind of blue that is between all of those. Do you know what I mean? Try to describe it more successfully than I did.

Oh, I get it now. This is an essay test. OK, well, I think I have mentioned to you, Vouched, that I write terribly to assignment. But I’ll play: I think you mean the color of blue that is in your heart, or a blues singer sitting with his old guitar on a dusty porch on a warm and shiny spring day, or a warm blue taco on a plate in a land of green. With mustard on it? My daughter got me a mustard-colored knit hat for Christmas. I’m very happy with it. My favorite color is now that specific yellow. Do you take your pretzels with mustard? Or do you do that cinnamon-sugar with the sugar sauce thing? Mustard makes me think of pretzels at a baseball game, and that reminds me that I would like to attend more Braves games this year.

Yes, that is the blue I was referring to (all of them). A+, thank you. I hope that Red and Brown’s feelings aren’t hurt now that you’ve left them for Mustard. I do take my pretzels with mustard, especially the whole grain kind if it’s available OR the horseradish kind that really kicks you in the sinuses.
Braves games are fun. What else would you like to do more of this year?

I think there is a movement afoot in which people are against New Year’s resolutions. It’s building momentum, like that wave of hate that large groups of people feel for Valentine’s Day, or the commercialization of love. But now it’s resolutions. More than ever, I’ve heard/read people expressing reservations with or even outright anger towards the idea of making resolutions – one argument being, you know, you’re perfect the way you are, just live your life, or at least don’t buy into something you’re going to fail at anyway. I can see validity in this. But I make a Resolutions & Goals List each year. I fail each time to achieve what’s on that list, but I still do it. And I just did one, so your question is timely. Among the things on my list to do more of: Cuba. Running and eating. Finishing things I start (i.e., stories, ahem). Ping-ponging. Counting squirrels. Reading. Yoga-ing, maybe? Napping, definitely. And appreciating my kids in that silent way that only parents who stare at their children until their children say, “What are you looking at?” can understand.

Are you pro- or anti-New Year’s resolutions, Vouched? I bet you have a big year ahead!

What is with the anti-resolution movement? I think it’s healthy to reflect on your state of affairs and admit to your weaknesses and aspire to do things differently. Coasting through life makes things stagnant. Plus, I like lists. *Steps off of soapbox* I’m pro New Year’s Resolutions. I also hope to always have big years ahead.
How do you respond to your kids when they catch you staring at them? Do you hug them real tight? Do you shrug it off with a, “Oh, nothing.”?

Hugging them, even touching them lightly, would cause them to cry out in pain. They’re like vampires and I’m sunlight. They’re like the Wicked Witch and I’m a bucket of water. I was running in the Peachtree once, right through that section they call Jesus Junction with all the churches. You’ve run this race before, Vouched; you know what I’m talking about. There are people on the side of the road, drinking things and shouting positive reinforcement and ringing bells and spraying hoses, the whole way. So I was making way through the church part, and out of nowhere, it seemed, this priest stepped off the curb with, like, a bucket of I guess it was holy water and this religious-looking sort of object that was about the size and shape of a microphone but was actually built to splash water. (I’m sorry, I know there are names for these things, but I am lazy.) And he dipped that thing in the water and splashed a large amount of it right on my face as I passed. Do you know that for a brief moment when it hit my face I worried that it would burn like acid? But it cooled me instead. Felt great, actually. It was kind of a spiritual experience, right there on Peachtree. I wish my kids would realize the same thing about me. They will. Oh, they will. But now, yeah, I guess I just say, “Oh, nothing.”

Are you a vampire or sunlight?

 I hope to be sunlight, though I’m not sure how to ascertain why. May I be sunlight? From what I’ve seen of True Blood, I’d be a terrible vampire. How would you fare as a vampire?

Haha! Fare. Nice one. I suppose I’d fare on vampire fare. But then if you were sunlight – wait, what are you saying? Do you want to kill me?

…

…

 So…*twiddles thumbs*… are you pretty pumped for the reading on February 7th? What do you imagine it will be like? Dream big.

Any reading with you, Vouched, is stimulating and unpredictable. I’m excited to see Rachael, Myke, and Jared tell some stories. That’s all I really need. Thanks for inviting me along!

Tags: , , , ,

Awful Interview: Rachael Maddux

22 Jan

Rachael Maddux

Are you a fan of tacos? Sandwiches? Nachos? Foods that are dependent on other foods for you to be able to eat them? You and Rachael Maddux have that in common. You probably have more than just that in common, but that’s a start. Rachael and I first met floating down the Chattahoochee River. (True story!) You can read her work in places like the Paris Review’s daily blog, the Oxford American, the Believer, and many other places. She also curates the annual pop-up blog The Unbest. You can hear her read at the Goatfarm on Thursday, February 7th.

So Rachael, why do you like tacos so much?

I should say that in general I’m a really big fan of food that you get into your mouth via other food. Not that I have anything against utensils. Some of my best friends are utensils. But tacos I guess are the most perfect realization of that concept of thin-carby-thing-as-delivery-system. I’m partial to soft-shell flour tortillas, although of course I’ll go for corn and I’ve even been known to wolf down some Old El Paso tacos-from-a-box. It’s more about what’s inside, though. And what’s inside is limitless! The only regular email I get from a place of business that I haven’t re-routed to a sub-folder in my Gmail account is the Weekly Specials update from Taqueria Del Sol, which I always read with great excitement because their special tacos are boss. The Waco is my favorite—barbecued brisket and slaw and some kind of mustardy sauce. Taqueria has kind of ruined me on fish tacos because theirs are so perfect (I recently stopped picking off my pickled jalapenos and that was a big moment). But what’s really great about tacos is that they’re pretty low-commitment—if you have a bad one, you probably still have room for a good one to cancel it out. And like I never say, you’re only as good as your last taco.

Tell me more about the pickled jalapenos moment. The public deserves to know about your revelation.

It was actually part of a much bigger thing that happened last year, which is that I am now into eating spicy foods after a lifetime not being able to handle, like, mild salsa. But my husband, Joe, is a total spicehound and has been all his life (he used to carry around a bottle of Tabasco sauce in a little holster when he was in elementary school) and he also happens to be the primary cook in our relationship. I wouldn’t say that he forced me into this—it’s more like an acquired taste that happened gradually but also seems kind of inevitable. See also: My recent interest in horror movies, Black Sabbath and whiskey. So, yes, for years I would pick all my pickled jalapenos off of my Taqueria Del Sol tacos and push them onto Joe’s plate, but then one day I got real brave and kept them on, and he was sad that he didn’t get bonus peppers, but also proud of me, I think. That plus the first time I was like, “Hey babe, can you hand me the sriracha?” were really special moments in our relationship.

Sometimes I struggle to remember what life was like before rooster sauce, and it all seems so dreary- like life in Pleasantville before Reese Witherspoon came along and sexed up the place. Hey- remember that movie?

I do! Although I’ve only ever seen it on TV so, ironically, all the sexed-up bits were way way less sexed-up. Another “Reese Witherspoon sexes it up” movie (kinda?) is Cruel Intentions, which I saw for the first time recently, and found unexpectedly soul-crushing! I was on a Netflix binge and watched it as a chaser to Young Adult, which was also soul-crushing, though expectedly so. I thought Cruel Intentions would be a goofy proto-Gossip Girl romp through the late-90s, but for some reason it just made me feel awful. The whole night made me hate washed-up ghostwriters and horny teenagers and everyone.

Have you been avoiding up escalators ever since? I still hope for Ryan Phillipe at the top of every escalator, and he’s never there… *SPOILER*

…because he died.

Ryan PhillippeMan, you know, I half expected to have some kind of unseemly sexual attraction to wee Phillipe in that movie, but it just wasn’t happening. I can’t tell if it was him or his character but there was some weird high-strung dorkiness edging right beneath the surface of his cool-guy persona and it really creeped me out. Also he kinda had the NSYNC-era Justin Timberlake ramen-noodle-hair thing going on. In the 90’s I preferred my boys with long, flowing, un-gelled locks, Hanson-style.

Which Hanson brother was your favorite?

Despite my adolescent self’s love of the underdog, which presumably would’ve led me to favor the gangly, brace-faced Isaac, it was beautiful, beautiful Taylor.

If Taylor Hanson was minorly interested (you know, playing it cool) in attending your reading on February 7th, what would adolescent Rachael say to persuade him into attending? What would Rachael now say to persuade him?

12-year-old Rachael would come up with something super charming and brilliant and would probably rehearse the whole conversation a few times in front of her bedroom mirror, then chicken out at the last second. Now-Rachael would be like, “Uh, dude, shouldn’t you be home with your fifteen children and/or trying to write a song half as good as ‘MMMBop’? Yeah, get out of here.”

Tags: , , ,

← Older Entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,019 other followers