Archive by Author

Loose Change Magazine wants to go to print!

14 May

With the closures of some of our favorite publishers and literary journals over the past few months, I think it’s important we keep our chin up and focus on some new and exciting developments that are being made with other journals. Tyler brought our attention to the good stuff at Matter Monthly last week. Now I’d like to draw your attention to our friends at Loose Change Magazine.

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Loose Change is ascending! In March they released a new website and their third volume and threw a party to celebrate. Now they’re in the process of raising funds to release their first ever print issue! Read all about it their power2give fundraiser page.

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Missing Elimae + Transitive Verbs

9 May

Found myself reminiscing and digging through Elimae’s archives this morning. Came across this gem from Stephanie Lane Sutton, Transitive Verb (coincidentally, the verbs I’ve been thinking about most often lately.) 

This is how we will unbutton: to cause an earthquake, which is to say
it was a disc, slipped, like a bone undone. What I look like from behind

walking away.

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A transitive verb : is to open the folds of : to spread or straighten : expand, as with an open map

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If you are the universe, it would explain the primal scum in your kitchen sink,
your ability to stack conversations, cheat at card games, how it is difficult
to explain without using you as a word in the definition…

 

 

Read the rest here. 

 

 

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Crapalachia by Scott McClanahan

29 Apr

We really just can’t get our fill of Scott McClanahan. You recall Layne’s review here at Vouched. I’ve got my own spin on the book up at Sundog Literature:

Crapalachia
Scott McClanahan
Two Dollar Radio
192p./$16

“Scott McClanahan is not fearful. He does not live in the shadow of death or shy away from the hazards of poverty. Sickness, mistakes, his origins, his past, his flawed memory — he does not yield to their threats. He takes them by the horns and gives them a bear hug. Crapalachia is a book that takes guts. It takes guts to have written it. It takes guts to read.” 

Read the rest at Sundog Literature.

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Awful Interview: Jayne O’Connor

17 Apr

Jayne Says

Behold, Jayne O’Connor! You may recognize her lovely face from HYDEATL, the organization VouchedATL co-organizes the Holiday Hangover with. She’s a real treat, this one.

Jayne is a mover and a shaker here in Atlanta. She’s constantly in motion – like a shark! She’s in charge of things! For instance: the Music Room’s monthly variety show The Show from Below. Jayne’s first collection of work, When You Meet the Devil Tip Your Hat, will be published by Safety Third Enterprises this year. TONIGHT she will be reading with John Carroll, Gina Myers, Cristen Conger, and Winston Blake Wheeler Ward at the Goatfarm.

So, Jayne… what’s it like to be famous?

People are constantly coming up to me and saying things like,“Hey!!!! You didn’t pay for that!!!”
“My name is Todd. Welcome to Applebee’s. I’ll be your waiter.”
Or, “Didn’t  you vomit in my car the other day?”

I always tell them,”Look, deep down,  I’m just a normal person like some of you. I just want to be treated like everyone else, only slightly better.”

I kid.

Depending on how you look at it I would either be the best famous person or the worst. I fall down all the time. I fell just sitting on the couch watching TV the other day and now I have a black eye. Do you know how much money pictures of celebrities falling go for? I would be a paparazzi goldmine. Plus, my driving makes Amanda Bynes look like Danica Patrick, and I definitely would have some Lindsay Lohan/shaved-head-Britney Spears/Mariah Carey-Total Request Live- type of  meltdown, if I haven’t already just  as a semi-par citizen.

My friend asked me once if I would rather be rich or famous. At the time I chose fame because I had ideas about being influential and making a mark on the world.  After seeing Behind the Music i am terrified of fame, and I figure that even if I was Trump-rich (he’s still rich right?), with my poor fashion sense and low standard of living I could always pass for someone with a normal or poor pay grade. I could avoid all the pitfalls of being incredibly wealthy while still reaping all of the benefits.

And I am also terrified of becoming a meme one day.

Oh! Double question. 1. Which meme already in existence best ‘gets’ you and 2. If you were Trump-rich when he was richest rich, what would you do with all of them fat stacks?

I am going to answer the second question first.
This question sent me into a labyrinth of fantasies. I wish I could say that I would be totally responsible, invest, or at least save it but that is a lie. I would spend some time throwing it in the air and dancing under it, but mostly I would just buy crap. I have a deep seeded love for spending money and a high propensity for decadence.  I wouldn’t buy a lavish house or car (remember- low standard of living) but I would spend weeks or months at a spa. I would pay people to do all of the menial activities I loath, invest heavily in my eccentricities, and probably get into some functional form of animal hoarding. Maybe for a day I would pay a band to follow me around and turn my life into a musical
And a pool. Summers in Atlanta are brutal.

That brings me to the answer to question number one…

Brilliant! What songs would be needed for the band’s repertoire as they follow you around? You know, your life soundtrack? Five songs at least with explanations, plz!

I think they probably would go:

“No No No (Pressin’ The Snooze Again)” To be played while I fight with my alarm in the morning.

“What Yo Got? (Gross Gross)” To be sung while my dog eats a sock, panites, pants, or any number of disgusting and unspeakable objects from the bathroom trash can.

“It Ain’t Fucking Romeo and Juliet” to be played whenever I am around my ambivalent boyfriend. (This is a Dance Number)

“This Again.” To be played at work.

“Ewwww. What Did I Just Touch?” Self explanatory.

“This Again. (Reprize)” To be played as I ride home in traffic.

Obviously “This Again” is the big hit- but “No No No” is the fan favorite.

 All great choices and all have especially confrontational titles. Do you consider yourself confrontational?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY!!!! *pounds chest.

Yeah, I probably am. Unlike nineteen year old Jayne, I am not proud of it.

Why not?

Well, I think that a lot of the time it makes people look bad. Plus fighting feels bad and bad things can  happen. You never know who you are dealing with and how quickly things can go crazy.

At a bar in my younger years someone tried to put a cigarette out in my eye after I confronted him about his lewd hand/mouth gesture. True Story.

What did you do? Do you flash back to that moment every time you smoke a cigarette?

I repulsed him with my superhuman jumping and screaming skills and knocked his hand away. Then I told some sexest bouncer who did nothing.
I don’t really think about it that much. If anything flashes back to that moment it is probably when I see that lewd gesture.

What will you do if someone makes that lewd gesture at you during the reading on the 17th?

I know quite a few lewd gestures myself. If that doesn’t work I’m a big proponent of public shaming.

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Awful Interview: John Carroll

16 Apr

John Carroll

John Carroll made a mistake. He has twice awfully interviewed me at PURGE to help promote both the launch of VouchedATL and our first birthday party. That wasn’t his mistake, it was nice of him. His mistake was the manner of which he Awfully Interviewed me. I mean, he really ‘gave me a dose of my own medicine’ so to speak. I’ve been waiting for payback ever since.

Slow Burn is John’s first chapbook, being released by our pals at Safety Third Enterprises in the upcoming weeks. Prior to that you could read John’s work at the 500, PURGE, and elsewhere.

To celebrate the release of Slow Burn, John will be reading at the next Vouched Presents on April 17th. You know what that means? It means today is the day for retribution.

What are you trying to prove?

I don’t know? 9/11 was an inside job. The Illuminati is real. Aliens exists. Social media will be the downfall of civilization. You know, just the regular macho stuff. I guess I do know.

Do I come across as someone who has something to prove(other than bald is beautiful and all the other things I just listed)?

Kind of. You seem like one of those people who has a vendetta. You know, like Guy Fawkes. HOLY SHIT- John Carroll are you Anonymous?!

Shit. I wish. I like the idea of Anonymous, not so much for their ability to fuck shit up, which I think is pretty rad, but because they remind me of Borg from Star Trek. Kind of like Legion in the Bible. I guess I just like the idea of groups that refer to themselves as one, but then again the U.S. Army does that too. Nevermind.

Aren’t you a patriot? Have some pride! I heard you like baseball, right? Don’t you like pie? Happiness? Will Smith Movies?

I like Thomas Jefferson a lot. He made his own Bible and brought French Fries to America. I can only hope to accomplish that much. I really only liked baseball when Michael Jordan was playing. Did you know that Will Smith was supposed to play Neo in The Matrix, but turned it down? I’m not sure how I feel about that. But yeah, Will Smith is solid.

Didn’t you burn a Bible once? Was that your attempt to be Jeffersonian? How did that go for you?

You know what’s probably more offensive to most people? I burned a Beatles record once as well. I dated a girl who really liked the Beatles a few months later. She told me I was stupid for doing it. We went on vacation to Virginia and she wouldn’t take me to Monticello. We broke up when we got home.

WOW you really brought that one full circle — it was like watching an episode of Seinfeld. Have you ever seen that show?

Seinfeld is probably appreciated for the wrong reasons. Larry David induces panic attacks in my life. I wouldn’t say that I’m a fan of Jerry Seinfeld, but I read his book, Seinlanguage in 5th grade. I asked my parents if I could have a Bar Mitzvah after reading it. They made me accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour instead.

 Was that a pretty formative moment in your life? What do you think the repercussions were?

I’d like to act like it wasn’t, but the older I get the more I feel the need to revert back to adolescent tendencies. You know, ride a bike, jump on beds, make fun of girls that I’d like to have sexual intercourse with. Normal ten year old boy stuff.

Have you found yourself purchasing a lot of footed pajamas as of late?

Unfortunately, they don’t have them in my size. Hot Topic does sell dinosaur and Hello Kitty hoodies though. I need to stop by there to pick up the new Marilyn Manson album, so you never know.

How does Marilyn Manson always manage to date such hotties?

I think it’s pretty clear Laura. If you bang MM you’re guaranteed at least B-movie stardom.

Good point. You forgot to mention how romantic he is though. I mean, look at him. Marilyn Manson OOZES romance. What’s your favorite 90’s teen flick?

Drop Dead Gorgeous. Two words: Rolling Crucifix.

That makes a lot of sense. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Denise Richards?

Only in the dark.

Oh wow. So. …why should people come and see you read on the 17th?

The stories that I will be reading were actually inspired by Denise Richards’ outstanding performance in the 1998 erotica thriller Wild Things. I believe that I’m the first writer to ever incorporate her influence into anything literary, outside of tabloid magazines.

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Awful Interview: Cristen Conger

11 Apr

Cristen Conger

To the left you will see the beautiful and accomplished woman known as Cristen Conger. You can tell from this picture that she is full of joy and a very talented baker (I am actually not certain of the later of these two facts, but am using context clues i.e: the super fancy standing mixer she’s embracing.)

Cristen is impressive. Not only is she the the co-host of podcast Stuff Mom Never Told You and the hostess of the YouTube series of the same name, she’s also a staff writer for HowStuffWorks.com. Outside of knowing lots of things, her work has been featured in Jezebel, Bitch, MSNBC, and other places. In short: Cristen Conger is an authority figure on your life! Yes, yours!

Cristen, you’re the brains behind “Stuff Mom Never Told You.” So, I have to ask… Why didn’t she tell me?

Mom is a tad passive aggressive and was relying on me to tell you because she prefers to make her communication as indirect as possible — as in via her daughter, through a podcast, into iTunes and into your not-so-delicate ears. And mom never actually told me that; I had to infer it from years of her talking about how much she wished she had a daughter who co-hosted a podcast.

It’s just hard to figure out what her prerogative is here, you know? I mean… hasn’t she seen the movie Psycho? Mommie Dearest? or more recently Mother?

I know, right? Let’s just say that you won’t find any wire hangers in my closet.

What is in your closet?

Skeletons — and lots of them!

Kidding, kidding. I keep those under my bed, of course. Seriously, why would anyone keep skeletons in his or her closet rather than tucked away under a box spring or couch? Otherwise, every time I got dressed in the morning I’d have to look in at said skeletons, which would really screw the pooch on the whole repressive function of those skeletons.

I do, however, have a treasure box of sorts in my closet containing all of my childhood and teenage diaries, commemorative issues of People magazine from Princess Diana’s funeral (for the pics of Prince William, natch) and rolls of undeveloped film that I should probably get around to developing sometime before it’s too late.

It’s creepy to imagine catacombs under your bed, Cristen. Although – I’ll admit, I wouldn’t want skeletons popping out at me at every wardrobe change, especially on those days where nothing fits right and I end up changing seven times.
Do you read a lot of Edgar Allen Poe, then?

At the risk of sounding like a literary hillbilly, I don’t. I did, however, get an A on my high school paper on “A Cask of Amontillado.”

Your question also reminds me of an NPR story I heard about someone who mysteriously visits Poe’s grave in Baltimore every year on his birthday and leaves gifts of cognac and whatnot. Now, call me an alcoholic, but doesn’t that sound like a terrible waste of perfectly good liquor? On second thought, please don’t call me an alcoholic.

No, I totally agree that is a waste of liquor. Was Poe even known for his drinking? I mean — it wouldn’t phase me to leave a bottle of rum or whiskey at Hemingway’s place of eternal rest. But Poe?

If I were to leave a gift for Poe, it would be a raven pinata filled with candy that I would burst upon reaching the grave so that I could take the candy home and eat it. I’m as thrifty with candy as I am with cognac.

Or I might just leave behind that “Cask of Amontillado” high school paper to create a buzz among other visitors who’d be impressed with my piercing literary analysis. “Poe who?! That Conger girl could write circles around that guy,” they might tweet, or Facebook status update, or caption on a Pinterest pin of picture of the decapitated raven pinata they happened upon at Poe’s tombstone.

Maybe I should ditch the podcast and go into viral marketing…

Maybe you should ditch the podcast and go on a year-long pilgrimage to literary legend’s gravesites to upstage them after they’ve departed. What do you think of that? Who else would you hit up aside from Poe?

I think that you might’ve just outlined my path to instant notoriety, so thank you. Writing one’s way to recognition can be extremely time-consuming, and this is likely a much quicker way to get my name in the history books. Or at least in the books of People Banned From Graveyards that graveyard bouncers keep on hand.

Next up, I’d probably hit up the Bronte sisters resting places since they’ve held such a Corleone-esque monopoly on the whole “women writer” thing. Or Mario Puzo’s grave where I’d leave behind a copy of my Godfather-fan-fic-with-a-female-twist, “The Godmother.” Gender equality, am I right?

That’s a brilliant idea! Do you write a lot of fan fiction? How often does it star Justin Bieber? Be honest.

Honestly, I’ve only ever tried my hand at “slash fiction” starring, you guessed it, Justin Bieber, and myself. Except in “50 Shades of Bieber,” I played the role of the dom because all the creative license in the world cannot make J. Biebs wielding a cat-o-nine-tails anything less than preposterous. Otherwise, I feel like he’d grab the whip and just start doing some hip hop dance routine with it and ruin the mood.

Could you whip up an excerpt of yourself and Biebs for us in the Godmother real quick? You know, to quench curious minds?

“Whip up,” eh? Nice play on words there.

Due to a nasty litigation hate triangle I’m embroiled in  with the Mario Puzo estate and Usher Enterprises, I can’t offer any direct excerpts from “The Godmother Part 1: An Offer Justin Bieber Can’t Refuse” in which an unassuming young pop star abandons fame to join the ranks of a different kind of mafia (wink, wink). But I can tell you that instead of waking of up next to a horse head, young Bieber rips back the sheets to find a gimp mask that he then struggles to put on, as his iconic floppy hair keeps getting stuck in the zippers.

That sounds so picturesque. Who do you hope to sell the film rights to?

While I don’t want to jump the gun, so to speak, I’m pretty sure that Sofia Coppola is going to jump on the project ASAP since it’s pretty much the perfect opportunity to salvage her reputation as ruining the entire ‘Godfather’ film franchise. And I hear she’s quite a Bieleber.

Not making any promises but… what would you do if the Biebs himself attended your reading on the 17th?

I’d ask him if he was looking to hire any feminist-minded women with a flare for erotic fan fiction for his entourage. Or for Usher’s phone number.

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Awful Interview: Gina Myers (redux)

9 Apr

Gina Myers

Gina Myers has a lot to think about. Some chief concerns: How did all of these pencils get in the grass? What is she trying to say? How did Louisville beat Michigan in the NCAA Championship last night? What constitutes a time travel love story? Does Bill and Ted Count?

Gina is the author of False Spring and A Model Year. Her forthcoming collection, Hold It Down (Coconut Books) will be released next Wednesday at the next Vouched Presents at the Goatfarm.

So what are your top five favorite time travel love stories?

Oh man, you hit me with a tough one right off the back! I have a lot of rules about what should and should not fall into this genre: for example, in Twin Peaks, Dale travels 25 years into the future to meet Laura Palmer, but the love story that he is involved with, with Annie, takes place in the “present” of the show–so that can’t really be a time travel love story; can it? In this year’s Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode, there was a storyline where Homer blew it with Marge in high school and had to travel repeatedly to future to try to win her. There are actually a few other Treehouse of Horror episodes that deal with time travel–like when Homer gets his hand stuck in a toaster and the toaster later becomes a time machine, or when they outlaw guns and Professor Frink gives Homer a time machine to travel back to warn everyone about the horrible future that will occur if they ban guns, but neither of these really involve love, unless we’re talking about the love of humanity and toast and guns. And then there’s the time that Homer transcends dimensions, and he finds an erotic bakery, that’s like love. I’ve managed to avoid answering the question thus far–

When you put it like that, Homer Simpson may be the ultimate romantic time-travel protagonist. He’s like a modern-day Odysseus of sorts! Do you view him as a tragic figure?

I am sure here that you intentionally compared him to Odysseus because he plays Odysseus in the episode where they re-enact classic tales. While passing through the river Styx, skeletons on the shore are rocking out to Styx’s “Lady,” and Homer exclaims, “Oh, this truly is hell!” He does share certain qualities of other tragic heroes–for example, it is usually his own flaws that cause his problems, but he frequently is able to dodge truly tragic outcomes. Things usually work out for him, or at the very least return to the status quo.

Life is really an uphill battle for Homer Simpson. Do you have a favorite episode of the Simpsons? I think mine may be the Lord of the Flies episode, though it’s hard to say for certain — there are so many episodes.

It’s funny, Molly Brodak asked me about this recently too, and at the time I answered “The Last Temptation of Krust,” which is from season nine, and is where Krusty becomes a George Carlin-esque standup comedian but eventually sells out and advertises for the Canyonero, a sports utility vehicle. But it really is hard to pick just one because there are so many episodes, but more than that there are so many great moments, including a lot of lit references and jokes. I can hear Homer now: “Leaves of Grass, my ass!”

Do you love the Simpsons so much that you wish you could travel back in time just to watch it with fresh eyes and fall in love all over again…?

Ha! My dream time travel love story! Recently I rewatched seasons one and two for the first time since they originally aired. I was a little worried–my memories of those seasons seemed a little embarrassing, but they were much better than I remembered! It was a little like time travel I suppose. I don’t think I would want to be ten again, though, nor would I want to be my present age somehow back in 1990. But if I did travel back, then maybe I could have watched Twin Peaks as it originally aired! Man, despite Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, 1989/1990 had some pretty awesome things going on. If I were able to time travel, I would remember to buy some bootleg Simpsons t-shirts from the Giant Public Market in Saginaw because I would love to wear those still today.

 You keep bringing up Twin Peaks, which leads me to think have a tendency to watch television shows which have a recurring theme of donuts. Is this the case? Is this an illuminati conspiracy?

I do like TV shows that feature donuts! And I like to eat donuts. And I like J Dilla’s album Donuts. And I once did an art project in high school where I painted a series of donuts. I don’t think it is an illuminati conspiracy though, or if it is, I have yet to reap any benefits it. It seems like a lot of people like donuts, which makes me wonder just how large and far-reaching this illuminati is….

Vouched: We need to get to the bottom of this. Let’s start with the Krispy Kreme on Ponce – it may be Illuminati headquarters. My mind is reeling with questions so I’m just going to list them.
• What percent of the attendees of the reading on April 17th will be members of the illuminati?
• How many donuts could you consume throughout a day?
• When you read, will be sneaking in Illuminati trigger words? Dropping hints to audience members ‘in the know’?
• Would you travel through time for love? How would you go about it?

Thirty-three percent of the audience will be members of the illuminati. If I challenged myself to see how many donuts I could eat in a single day, I’d say that number would be 33. Did you know 33 is an important number in the illuminati? All of my poems are exactly 33 words long. When the New World Order is in place, we won’t need to travel through time for love. The New World Order is Love.

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Awful Interview: Winston Ward

3 Apr

Winston Ward

To our left you will see Winston Blake Wheeler Ward, or Winston Ward, or WWI. You know the movie 300? Winston wasn’t in it or anything but he started a website called the Five Hundred - a monthly collection of themed flash fictions.  It’s hard to say how Winston would have fared in the Battle of Thermopylae.

Winston will be reading at the next Vouched Presents on Wednesday, April 17th.

Have you ever considered having a son and giving him your name? I only ask because then he could go by WWII.

There’s an idea. Alright, the line for potential mothers of said child forms to the left.

Why the left?

I’m an ultra-liberal southpaw. Where else would it start?

Whoa no way. Me too! Seriously. How do you feel being left-handed has shaped your life? Also- why are left-handed scissors so damned uncomfortable?

I didn’t know that about you. That’s interesting. It kind of gives me a sense of kinship, learning that.

There’s little doubt in my mind that being told as a child that left-handed people are typically more right-brain dominant (and therefore often more creative) has influenced my need to tell stories. I’ve always seen myself as the ‘creative type’. Would it have been the same were I born a righty? Who can know?

Oh, and I don’t believe I’ve ever used left handed scissors. They’re uncomfortable, you say? That’s a shame.

 As a fellow left-handed creative, aren’t you a little surprised none of us southpaws have taken the time to invent a more comfortable scissor for ourselves? Which leads me to my next question — what are you waiting for?

Damn. I was hoping I’d never get asked that question. I wish I could tell you, Laura. I wish I knew. I ask myself the same question all the time and I can never find an answer to it. Why aren’t I there yet? Why am I not achieving my full potential? What the fuck is holding me back? I can tell you what I do know – the answer isn’t on the bottom of any bottles. At least not so far.

Or did you mean that question more literally? If that’s the case, I guess I’m waiting for my girlfriend to get out of school so we can go eat. Mmmm…El Myr.

Nice. Describe El Myr for me.

The throat tattoo of the Atlanta restaurant community.

It’s interesting you bring that up. I try not to judge people based on their body modifications, but man oh man people with throat/neck tattoos are tough! Eyebrow tattoos are pretty intense too. What is the most intense tattoo you have ever seen?

Christy Parry got a bunch of line work done to the bottom of her feet. That’s pretty goddamn tough if you ask me. Also, anyone who gets eyeliner tattooed on has iron cojones, in my opinion.

Are you implying Christy Parry is a man?

By no means! Just a totally bad ass chick. Wait, is ‘chick’ okay to say? How about, ‘Just a totally bad ass person’ instead?

Sure, that works! Tell me about the reading on the 17th. Tell me about how excited you are.

I’m pretty dang excited. I’m going to read two short pieces. One from my catalogue and one I’m writing specifically for the event. It is always so exciting when any literary event takes place in the city. I love it here and I couldn’t ask for a better community of like-minded individuals. Obviously, we have a lot of people to thank for that, but you yourself are playing no small part. So thank you for that and for this opportunity.

Okay, now tell me a joke.

Um. How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, how many?

Change it!? Have you lost your fucking mind!? It’s perfect how it is! I’m not changing ANYTHING! Go to Hell!

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VouchedATL Presents: An Evening of Book Releases!

1 Apr

So pumped for our next reading, coming up on Wednesday, April 17th at the Goatfarm. Check out this sweet poster!

VouchedApril17_WEB

It will be a reading to put all readings to shame. Not one, but TWO books will be released from two Atlanta publishers. First, Johnny Carroll’s Slow Burn from Safety Third Enterprises and Gina Myers’ Hold it Down from Coconut Books! To celebrate properly we have teamed up with both Safety Third and Coconut for an evening of readings from some of Atlanta’s favorite local legends.

For more details and things, you can check out  the event page.

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Awful Interview: David Courtright

12 Mar
David Courtight

photo by Katherine Aul

This is the silhouette of David Courtright. Notice its composition – arms stretched upward. The shadow-puppet of a right hand:  a dog holding glasses in its mouth. The left arm reaches for something out of the frame, so mysterious. His head, ever-so-slightly angled suggests cheekiness — but we can’t be too sure. This silhouette belongs to a man and that man authored a chapbook called Animal Bodies and that chapbook will be released on Thursday, March 14th at Youngblood Gallery and Boutique. Unfortunately David Courtright’s silhouette is not currently taking interviews. Instead, here’s an interview with David Courtight himself.

So, David- what’s your totem animal? Why?

As a kid I was obsessed with dolphins. I was a pretty aquatic child, and the idea of living a life making dolphin noises and doing acrobatic air flips seemed pretty appealing. Lately I think it’s some kind of bird. I have this wood stamp from India with an ornate rooster design. It’s top contender for tattoo if I ever get one.

I was totally a dolphin kid too! Remember Animorphs? Did you ever read those?

Shit yeah. Totally obsessed. And the poor dork kid who got turned into an eagle forever? I feel like that was the Harry Potter of our generation. But stuff like that I really loved as a kid — the idea of being able to change into another animal, or have powers. I loved X-Men. Wow I’m just realizing the name of my chapbook! I totally ripped off Animorphs!

Holy shit, what a revelation. I was totally obsessed with X-Men as well. Gambit was such a dreamboat! What’s your superpower?

God, Rogue had great hair. I was into teleportation as a kid, and flying. But also any power that would allow me vast sums of money, i.e. telling the future and playing the lottery.

You’re a tricky one! The thought of teleportation has always made me kind of nervous. Like- what if something goes wrong, and you weren’t concentrating hard enough and then *poof* your right arm is lost in some alternate dimension, floating in space. You know what I mean?

No, not at all. Though there was that one episode of Star Trek: Voyager where Neelix and Tuvok were beamed back together with this foreign plant that scrambled the transporters and they became “Tuvix.” I’m nerding out pretty hard right now. I just think about how much time it takes to get from one place to another, and how much more productive I would be if I never had to drive anywhere, how much more sleep I would get, etc. But again, getting back to the “how do I make myself a billionaire off my powers,” not sure if teleporting would be the most lucrative.

What superpower do you feel would yield the highest returns? Knowing the future?

Probably the ability to go back in time and befriend/seduce Oprah. You really can’t do better than that. She’s loaded. I have a mild obsession with Oprah. And by mild I mean all-consuming. But yeah, if you’d stuck with her all those years, you know you’d be well taken-care of. Highest yielding superpower: being Oprah’s favorite thing ever.

Who do you think is more obsessed with Oprah- you or Oprah?

C) Dr. Phil. You can tell that look in his eyes. There is a fury that goes beyond all psychological knowledge, though it may be difficult to discern through the medium of television. I’ve heard when you’re in the studio audience the intensity is palpable. Many people lose bladder control. Depends is a big sponsor of Dr. Phil’s show, and many think its just his demographic. No no no no no. So the order of Oprah obsession goes 1. Dr. Phil. 2. Me. 3. Oprah herself.

Is it awful that I forgot about Dr. Phil entirely? Have you ever thought about reaching out to Oprah about your written work? The ol’ ‘HEY OPRAH, LOOK AT THIS AWESOME CHAPBOOK I WROTE.’…?

Oprah LOVES this ChaaaAAAAaapHe’s pretty forgettable. Yeah, I’ve approached her about doing it in the book club. She said since we’re so close it would be like nepotistic or something. I’m working on a new book of poems about my journey as a 30-something white woman traveling the world finding myself. I think she won’t be able to resist that. That was a weird time in my life, but I feel like it deserves its day in the sun. You know? Vouched, have you had your 30-something white woman existential crisis? It’s valuable. It’s voucheduable.

I haven’t quite gotten there but MAN I am totally looking forward to it. It will be such a thrill completely abandon my already completely full life to start LIVING, you know, like in Eat, Pray, Love & Under the Tuscan Sun. Are you more of a Julia Roberts or a Diane Lane?

Well it’s funny you should mention that, because I actually starred in the film version of Eat Pray Love. I was living in Delhi at the time and a guy came up to me and said “hey you’re white, do you want to be in a movie with Julia Roberts?” So I was an extra. You can see me sitting on the floor of the ashram in the scene where Julia is a volunteer and the new batch of yogis comes in. Just try and find me! She was contractually not allowed to talk to extras, so I would say we’re BFFs, but we ain’t. And through all of that, and even though I haven’t even seen the Tuscan movie, I’m definitely more of a Diane Lane. Just because.

Diane Lane would totes talk to extras. Say, for instance, you ran into Diane Lane in the ATL a couple of days before the reading at Youngblood on the 14th. How would you tell her about the reading she had to attend? How would she react?

I don’t think Diane Lane can actually read, so this would be like a good opportunity for her to be read to. So I’d say [in a loud voice] “DIANE DO YOU LIKE PO-WEMS?” and she would mouth some nonsense bleeps and bloops and we’d enjoy a nice kombucha on the Beltline. So yeah, I think she’s coming. She’ll ride with OPRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

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