Awful Interview: Jayne O’Connor

17 Apr

Jayne Says

Behold, Jayne O’Connor! You may recognize her lovely face from HYDEATL, the organization VouchedATL co-organizes the Holiday Hangover with. She’s a real treat, this one.

Jayne is a mover and a shaker here in Atlanta. She’s constantly in motion – like a shark! She’s in charge of things! For instance: the Music Room’s monthly variety show The Show from Below. Jayne’s first collection of work, When You Meet the Devil Tip Your Hat, will be published by Safety Third Enterprises this year. TONIGHT she will be reading with John Carroll, Gina Myers, Cristen Conger, and Winston Blake Wheeler Ward at the Goatfarm.

So, Jayne… what’s it like to be famous?

People are constantly coming up to me and saying things like,“Hey!!!! You didn’t pay for that!!!”
“My name is Todd. Welcome to Applebee’s. I’ll be your waiter.”
Or, “Didn’t  you vomit in my car the other day?”

I always tell them,”Look, deep down,  I’m just a normal person like some of you. I just want to be treated like everyone else, only slightly better.”

I kid.

Depending on how you look at it I would either be the best famous person or the worst. I fall down all the time. I fell just sitting on the couch watching TV the other day and now I have a black eye. Do you know how much money pictures of celebrities falling go for? I would be a paparazzi goldmine. Plus, my driving makes Amanda Bynes look like Danica Patrick, and I definitely would have some Lindsay Lohan/shaved-head-Britney Spears/Mariah Carey-Total Request Live- type of  meltdown, if I haven’t already just  as a semi-par citizen.

My friend asked me once if I would rather be rich or famous. At the time I chose fame because I had ideas about being influential and making a mark on the world.  After seeing Behind the Music i am terrified of fame, and I figure that even if I was Trump-rich (he’s still rich right?), with my poor fashion sense and low standard of living I could always pass for someone with a normal or poor pay grade. I could avoid all the pitfalls of being incredibly wealthy while still reaping all of the benefits.

And I am also terrified of becoming a meme one day.

Oh! Double question. 1. Which meme already in existence best ‘gets’ you and 2. If you were Trump-rich when he was richest rich, what would you do with all of them fat stacks?

I am going to answer the second question first.
This question sent me into a labyrinth of fantasies. I wish I could say that I would be totally responsible, invest, or at least save it but that is a lie. I would spend some time throwing it in the air and dancing under it, but mostly I would just buy crap. I have a deep seeded love for spending money and a high propensity for decadence.  I wouldn’t buy a lavish house or car (remember- low standard of living) but I would spend weeks or months at a spa. I would pay people to do all of the menial activities I loath, invest heavily in my eccentricities, and probably get into some functional form of animal hoarding. Maybe for a day I would pay a band to follow me around and turn my life into a musical
And a pool. Summers in Atlanta are brutal.

That brings me to the answer to question number one…

Brilliant! What songs would be needed for the band’s repertoire as they follow you around? You know, your life soundtrack? Five songs at least with explanations, plz!

I think they probably would go:

“No No No (Pressin’ The Snooze Again)” To be played while I fight with my alarm in the morning.

“What Yo Got? (Gross Gross)” To be sung while my dog eats a sock, panites, pants, or any number of disgusting and unspeakable objects from the bathroom trash can.

“It Ain’t Fucking Romeo and Juliet” to be played whenever I am around my ambivalent boyfriend. (This is a Dance Number)

“This Again.” To be played at work.

“Ewwww. What Did I Just Touch?” Self explanatory.

“This Again. (Reprize)” To be played as I ride home in traffic.

Obviously “This Again” is the big hit- but “No No No” is the fan favorite.

 All great choices and all have especially confrontational titles. Do you consider yourself confrontational?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY!!!! *pounds chest.

Yeah, I probably am. Unlike nineteen year old Jayne, I am not proud of it.

Why not?

Well, I think that a lot of the time it makes people look bad. Plus fighting feels bad and bad things can  happen. You never know who you are dealing with and how quickly things can go crazy.

At a bar in my younger years someone tried to put a cigarette out in my eye after I confronted him about his lewd hand/mouth gesture. True Story.

What did you do? Do you flash back to that moment every time you smoke a cigarette?

I repulsed him with my superhuman jumping and screaming skills and knocked his hand away. Then I told some sexest bouncer who did nothing.
I don’t really think about it that much. If anything flashes back to that moment it is probably when I see that lewd gesture.

What will you do if someone makes that lewd gesture at you during the reading on the 17th?

I know quite a few lewd gestures myself. If that doesn’t work I’m a big proponent of public shaming.

One Response to “Awful Interview: Jayne O’Connor”

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  1. National Poetry Month Recap | Vouched Books - May 2, 2013

    [...] Awful Interview with Jayne O’Connor [...]

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