Awful Interview: Christopher Newgent

29 Mar

Once, Christopher Newgent and I shared a pair of Strawberry Shortcake themed, cell phone shaped walkie-talkies. They were dwarfed in Christopher’s big-ass hands. We bought them for when we were bored at our respective jobs, but they weren’t capable of carrying a signal across the few hundred feet between his Jimmy John’s and my coffee shop, so we pitched them and reverted back to paper airplanes.

Sometimes Christopher puts things in his face and writes words about those things. At all times there are words all over Christopher’s arms. Some other times words come out of his hands. He makes those words into things, like his chapbook from Tiny Hardcore press, or these stories at these different places.  Some other times times he pushes words out of his face to a crowd. He calls this process ‘reading.’ If you are in Atlanta on Friday, April 6th, he would like to show you how he does this ‘reading.’

One time we talked about stuff and dubbed it an interview. It went like this.

Christopher. Let’s get serious. Let’s answer the question that’s been plaguing everyone for years. What are you doing to save the bats and the bees? I heard you might be a super hero.

The extent of my environmental superhero’ism is pretty much Googling for sad images of animals and frowning at my computer screen, then posting them to facebook and typing, usually in all caps, LOOK AT THIS SAD POLAR BEAR. IT’S TRAPPED ON THIS ICEBERG. Which is bullshit, really. Polar bears are amazing swimmers and have been known to swim dozens and even hundreds of miles in a single swim. Basically, my activism is misinformation. I’m a superhero of misinformation.

I guess I was misinformed. Wait- what?! Whoa! You ARE a superhero. What’s your favorite way to use capslock?

My favorite way to use capslock is life. I want to live my life in capslock. Sure, some randmas argue that caplock is best reserved for emailing and instant messenger, but I personally believe capslock needs no reservation. Fucking live it, man.

Don’t you think people will feel that you’re yelling at them? What does your barbaric yawp sound like?

Make no mistake. There’s a difference between capslock and yelling. Only those who’ve not probed the depths and nuances of all caps usage think it’s simply yelling at people. Caps lockers have been known to whisper in all caps, actually. It’s pretty amazing to behold. It’s like those Buddhist monks who can throat sing 2 different pitches at once.

Regarding my yawp, have you ever heard the lid blowing off a pressure cooker? It sounds mostly like that, but imagine a Kodiak bear exploding from the pressure cooker.

That is quite a mighty yawp. So, like, what have you been reading lately?

I don’t read a lot, actually. I don’t even really like books that much. They’re too, I don’t know, hands on. Reading is like carpentry for your brain. I’d rather have someone build my bookshelves for me, metaphorically speaking of course. And not that I’d need bookshelves.

Yeah man, I totally get you! Books are so OLD and stuff. I used to own some books, but then I gave them to some homeless men to burn and keep warm with, since the low was 40 degrees that night. Pr’chilly. I mean, who reads these days anyway?

Movies are so much better than books. They’re like books, but someone’s already done the work of imagining it as real life. Have you seen the new Vin Diesel movie?

I am morally opposed to watching movies where the male lead is shorter than I am. Mostly just Vin Diesel and Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise violates me on many moral levels. First of all, he’s shorter than me. Secondly, he looks like Justin Bieber got his face stuck in a suction cup. Thirdly, there was that one time he jumped on those couches in front of Oprah like a rabid monkey, and then I had nightmares.
May we change the subject?

Oh, absolutely. It’s never good to dwell on being violated by Tom Cruise. Change away.

Thanks. So… huh. Sorry, I keep thinking about Tom Cruise. …Tell me about what you’re wearing. Wait no, that’s creepy.-such a Tom Cruise thing to say! HELP!

Coincidentally, my wife just came home with 4 bags worth of new button down dress shirts for me–a bunch of plaids and stripes. I need more patterns in my life, to be honest.

Patterns are grand! Tell me about the reading on April 6th, what fresh dose of amazing-ness are you preparing to unleash on my dear A-T-L?

If stampedes of buffalo were commonly kept on leashes, you could expect that. But they are not, so you’ll have to settle for a metaphorical stampede of buffalo. Buffalo with hooves the size of your head, metal wings, and rocket launchers on their haunches. That is what you can expect from the April Vouched Presents reading.

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One Response to “Awful Interview: Christopher Newgent”

  1. tlgobble March 29, 2012 at 10:34 pm #

    LOLZ at Christopher getting asked abt capslock!

    neat haha things here!

    goodnight!

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